I feel happier being myself

I can't seem to understand whats going on in my own head.
I can't don't seem to know what I am doing with my life.
I can't understand myself at all and this sucks.

I say one thing and do another, I tell myself no but yet I say yes. I wanna study but all I do is eat and sleep. I am rash and selfish and I can't seem to help it. I think I'm bullshit altogether but I can't bring myself to show it. People probably think I'm an open book, but I don't think so at all cause I'm having a hard time figuring myself all out. Its like i'm desperately gulping lungfuls of air in, but I'm not visibly panting at all to everyone else.
This is making me all confused, I know its just a phrase but still;
Is it me, or am I really some tough nut to crack, high difficulty level puzzle to solve?
Cause I feel happier being myself, but I don't remember at all how it is to be myself no more.
Is this at all, possible- if any bit of this post actually makes sense?
Cause I'm actually breathless on the inside.