Dear God, I am scared.

Goodbye October. I had fun, I fooled around, I studied a little, I feared the approaching of Alevels, and I turned eighteen. But it seems, being eighteen feels no different from being seventeen, probably apart from the fact that now no one will care if I smoke or drink or get a tattoo or drive or catch an M18 movie or mess up my entire life. Never have I taken my academics so lightly, nor truly worry about taking an exam with my confidence at the rock bottom. Sure, I joke about it. Nevertheless, who would want to repeat a year/do badly if given the choice?

I feel so beaten up about it inside, because i am left with seven days to create a miracle yet I can't bring myself to hardcore mug cause I feel like nothing can be done at this juncture already. October seemingly crept by and I am afraid November will too. God, I am so scared now I really don't know what to do. I am a horrible girl who sins against your word and swears by your name all the time and yet in times like this I have no one to turn to but you. I am ashamed of myself, only turning to You when everything's not working out fine, only begging for forgiveness when I need your guidance and protection in everything I do. Why would God want a child like me, really?

Sharm whatsapped me just now about her physics grade and saying its all God work. I want to be like her when As results are released, thankful to God no matter the result. I know I need to commit everything into Your hands and leave it up to You, but God may you bless me with the strength to do so. I will not be scared with the Lord and I will start working hard for the following seven days. I must and can get through this with no regrets.