Beaten and Bitter.

Yknow I really dislike feeling bitter about every and any little matter, but sometimes I just can't help it? I wonder if anyone else feels the same or is it only this awful ungrateful heart of mine. It feels horrible to consciously know that there's so much I've been blessed with like my family and close circle of friends, and just so much more to be thankful about, and yet still adamantly hold endless grudges within. Grudges against the whole world, as if none of the fault is mine. Pathetic isn't it? High time to find my way back to God.

Discouraged and incredibly pessimistic, I won't deny. To be honest, never once so far in jc have I taken studying seriously. Yes, I may head out to study often and what not but I know very well that the studying momentum I had back in secondary school days is missing. It annoys me to no end knowing the cause is probably my astonishing two-digit olevel score. Each time I question myself wtf am I doing here in tpj instead of mj or ngeeannpoly, it makes me feel useless. What's the point of studying so hard if I'm just gonna blank out or sleep again during my national exams? Completely absurd.

One more thing, dyou reckon my heart is made of steel? Well, you must certainly think so, considering how you can jump to your stupid conclusions about how I never did care and you, think that I don't feel a tinge of guilt for treating you the way I am now despite you being rightfully deserving of it. It's making it so difficult to breathe properly in school for I just might bump into you two in school. I've been looking into the mirror practicing my (obviously) forced smile recently, just in case. I don't want to play the avoiding game anymore already. Like what matthias told me yesterday: if I'm avoiding it means I'm not over it yet.... And so, maybe I should walk up straight to your faces and go "Hi bitches I hope you two are having the time of your life ruining my peaceful life!" hehehe ownage.

I miss secondary four days quite a bit, studying happily with Lester downstairs still past midnight daily, the clique of girls in school, Sam always being there to encourage me with bible verses, Sihui always coming all the way to the east to study together, Rae always skyping me to talk for hours, despite feeling inadequate I remained optimistic. Especially the best part, doing everything with God's strength alone. Could the remaining 18weeks be anything alike?